Delerious Rantings And So On...

10
22
Apr
HAPPY 40TH ANNIVERSARY EARTH DAY!

I am a bit of a tree hugger… ok… more than a bit! But it would be great if more people could just start looking at how their choices are impacting our World. So for this Earth Day… my question to the world is…

Where is your clothing coming from?
- More than likely overseas or Mexico - which means that it is probably being produced in non-environmentally friendly facilities. Then there is the cost of getting it from there to here. And it is being made by workers being paid little wages who then cannot afford to buy anything but more non-environmentally friendly things for themselves (if they can afford to buy anything at all).
- Look for labels that say made in America - I’m not saying that our clothing factories are perfect, but at minimum you are cutting down on the transportation pollution of getting the items from other countries.
- Try to shop second hand. Recycling isn’t just about plastics, aluminum, and paper… your clothing is recyclable too! Don’t throw mildly worn items out, take them to your local thrift store or second hand shop. And while you are there, perhaps you should do some shopping for yourself. Companies like Salvation Army and Goodwill and Gospel Missions all give back to the communities to give people a better quality of life.
- If you can afford it… try to find environmentally friendly clothing. Tennis shoes that have recycled rubber in the soles. Organic cottons or hemp that are not processed with toxic chemicals.
Even if you just do this a little… not saying your entire wardrobe needs to be eco-friendly! But every little bit helps to make our world a better place!
4
22
Apr
Another Letter to Employees…
1. I am not your mother… Fuck I am not a mother at all! And for good reason as taking care of people’s every little need and problem is not my responsibility in or out of the workplace.
2. I am not your counselor or psychologist… If you have personal problems.. Go see someone else. I honestly don’t care if your life is falling apart for the millionth time - it is not my job to format a life plan for you.
3. I am not your BFF… Don’t think that just because we talk at work means I want to be your friend outside of work or on Facebook or hang out. I have my personal life and my business life and they don’t often intermingle.
So in a nutshell… what I’m trying to say is…

I DON’T CARE! Or more appropriately I don’t give a flying fuck what issues you have. Get it together and do your damned job… Now!

What I do care about is you showing up on time to work, doing your job, following the very detailed and fairly idiot proof work instructions you are given, and not causing havoc with other employees… Oh and if you don’t have anything nice to say… just shut your mouth before you find yourself in my office for insubordination.

Sincerely…

The Effin Uber Bitch in HR

P.S. If you employees are wondering why I’m behind on my work or don’t get you something within 24 hours… it is because you are making problems here and problems mean that I don’t have time to do my regular duties in a timely manner.
20
Apr

Dear Employees…

Why do I come to work every day? Why don’t I have the shitty ass fucking work ethic of some of my employees. Five call-ins today so far?!?! Employees who decided not to join the rest of the workforce today, I am scrutinizing all of you very very carefully as today’s date is different than other normal call-in days. Hope you have a happy holiday and just to let you know that if I suspect anything in the slightest, your asses are going in for drug testing dumb ass mother fuckers!

Sincerely

The Bitch in the HR Department
19
Apr

There is sex after a mastectomy…

When you have scars littering your breasts, it is often times really hard to think that anyone could possibly find you attractive. Being a single girl… trying to find someone who can accept you, scars and all, is not an easy task. No matter how comfortable you think you are with the surgery, it is hard, at times impossible, to imagine yourself as a being of sexual desire.

I remember about 2 or 3 weeks after surgery, I had a my first hardcore emotional breakdown because I could not even begin to imagine anyone at that point actually finding me in any way attractive.

I’m not even flat chested and I cannot imagine how much more complex this whole concept must be for women who have a delayed time period between their mastectomy and their reconstruction. I know I should feel very fortunate that when hidden with a bra, my breasts look pretty damned normal!

I’m not a sexually inhibited person… to be quite frank I actually abhor clothing… but even I can confess that my first sexual adventure post surgery, I was not yet ready to display my scars yet… maybe someday in the future… thank god for a little lacey number which revealed just enough to make me sexy.

So still to this day the only people who have actually seen the scars are my doctors and my mother who helped take care of me post surgery. And that will probably stay that way for awhile.

But… the point of this rambling is… there is sex after a mastectomy… at times it is so hard to imagine!!! And I’m am sure my doctors would freaking kill me for the things I did over the weekend. 10 1/2 weeks post surgery (technically I was supposed to wait 3 months - but you know - things happen) LOL

And I must say… the sex was absolutely effin amazing… like AH-MAY-ZING!

BUT… the best part was that when my right tissue expander shifted midway thru our debauchery, he wasn’t really freaked when I had to stop to jostle it back into its appropriate place… and that… him not being freaked out by my lack of normality… was the best part of all :-)
1
12
Apr

FRANKENTITS!

They’re ALIVE! Muwhahahaha…

So… There comes a time when guys and/or girls are interested in you post-mastectomy… but its like what do you say? How do you explain things? It is really just an odd situation to find oneself in… Especially in my case where my tissue expanders are fully inflated and I honestly look perfectly normal, like my old self, with a bra and shirt on. In some ways I am slightly envious of women who are in a solid relationship or marriage going thru these surgeries, although I realize that probably has its own set of complications and fears too.

So last night I think I may have scared a guy a little when I referred to them as “FrankenTits” (I found this word to be super hilarious)… he promptly quit the txt conversation we had going when I explained that my boobs don’t really look like “real breasts” at the moment and that instead of a nipple, I’ve got a 5” horizontal scar. But then again… what do “real breasts” actually look like… everyone is different and there are lots of quirky boobies out there!

Which is entirely aside from the point, I’m kind of a whatever will be, will be, sort of gal… so if the “FrankenTits” freak people out… that is their problem that they do not have the openness to accept my body, battle scars-n-all.

And I’m a little leery about the concept of sex and my body being viewed (which for people who know me well is something totally and unbelievably out of the norm for me) Especially right now, maybe I’ll be one day be a whorrific exhibitionist again, but right now I feel sort of odd about sharing my body with others because its not finished… it is an on going work in progress. There is still the DIEP surgery and nipple reconstruction left to go.

I used to feel the same way about showing some of my unfinished paintings to people. To look at an incomplete work of art is to get a rather inaccurate viewing. And then when you do finally see the finished masterpiece, the problem is that your memory can still recall the semi-finished project and that can affect how you view the finalized version.

So these are the questions and thoughts that are currently bouncing around my mind… What is dating life like post-mastectomy?
6
Apr

Part-Timer No More

As much as I thought I would be bored senseless and hate not working… there was a part of me that has thoroughly enjoyed being a part-timer for awhile. But alas, sadly I have officially returned to being a full-time workplace human resources bitch. I quite enjoyed not having to deal with peoples petty problems. But there is hope on the horizon… I’ll get another workplace reprieve when I go in for the next surgery in a few months. Equally depressing as returning back to the office full-time is that fact that I also view my time off for surgery as a sort of mini vacation… I so need to get myself a real life!
76
5
Apr

internal-acceptance-movement:

Life is beautiful.

It is imperfect and the people who live it are incredibly flawed.

However, these imperfections and flaws are what make us beautiful—are what make life beautiful.

It is beautiful that amid the darkness and debris, that despite the world’s tragedies, that one can simply look outside their window or up into the night sky, and find endless wonder and majesty.

Hold onto the beauty—hold onto the good.

Nothing is black and white; open your eyes instead to life’s vibrant colors and varying shades.

Life is beautiful because of our ability to add meaning and purpose to your existence.

You exist; life is yours; and therefore so is its beauty.

You add to life’s beauty; forever and always.
5
Apr

8 1/2 weeks later…

I’ve been a blogging slacker… wonder if I could use that as an insult against someone… like “You Bloggin Slacker!’ Hmmm? It has potential…

So the verdict is… I am done with doctor’s for the time being until my second surgery. YIPPIE! Doing my happy dance! Cha! Cha! Cha!

Rather than going thru everything in super detail - I’m going to try and be as concise as possible (which means you all still have a shitload of reading ahead of you… LOL) But have no fear… It’ll be entertaining for sure.

Eight and a half weeks ago, on the beautifully sunny day of February 4, 2010 in the fair city of Baltimore in the Land of Mary at the stunning palace called Johns Hopkins University… I had my titties whacked off. Yup… gone baby gone! This ain’t your ordinary fairytale, I make a really awful princess, and definitely still working on my happily ever after.

John Hopkins! What an amazingly awesome place. Most people when they look at surgical stuff, go local. No way - I went to see some of the best surgeons and one of the top hospitals in the World. Thus would be the reason that even minutes prior to surgery, I had absolutely no fear. I felt without a doubt, that I was not only making the right choice, but that I had chosen the right people to assist me in my journey.

Originally I had intended to do the nipple sparing procedure… but about half an hour before surgery, my doctors both came in for one last final chat before their epic slice-n-dice session. Both of them looked at me, took a few not so naughty naked shots (my tits might be on the internet somewhere - like a bad version of “Hospitals Gone Wild” … Haha!) I love Dr. Tsangaris & Dr. Rad because they both sat me down and basically told me that I probably wouldn’t be happy with the final outcome if we kept the nipples - but if that was what I really wanted that they would still do that surgery. They felt they could build me a better set of boobs than I currently had, and that my current breasts (which my mother had refered to as “old lady boobs”) would continue to sag even further. So… I trust the men who have probably worked with more boobs that Hugh Heffner… In the great words of the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland… “OFF WITH THEIR NIPPLES!”

Surgery went well… actually surgery went AH-MAY-ZING :-) Everyone I met at Johns Hopkins, from the various Doctors, to Anstheiology, to Nurses… they were all absolutely wonderful to work with. Further solidifying that I had made the right choice to travel from my big Mitten state to the little ole Maryland.

So the fun begins! Surgery… no problem! SNOWPOCALYPSE! or Snowmageddon depending upon which news channel you followed. That was an entirely different story. I live in Michigan on the southwest side not too far from the lake… I have seen snow, lots of snow… but I have never in my nearly 30 years witnessed anything like I saw in Maryland. Thankfully I was stuck in a hotel recovering with nothing better to do than sleep 75% of my day away, but over 45” of snow in back-to-back NorEasters! WOW! And that city was so not capable of handling anything like that. So I got back to my room just before the snow started on Friday afternoon and the city was already closing up shop. That was an experience I never care to relive. Snowed into the hotel (my mom would escape and go out, but I could barely walk up and down the hallway a few times before I wanted to collapse). After a few days at one hotel and with a pending second blizzard approaching, we switched hotels and moved literally right next to the airport. That didn’t help - after three canceled flights, a few extra days in Maryland, and a financial budget that got blown to hell… We said screw it! Thankfully I had a good friend who was moving home from Maryland back to Michigan… She is my saviour! And so began an epic 10 hour car journey home - which really wasn’t bad at all. Needless to say… I now officially hate snow temporarily. Maybe next year, snow and I can be friends again… but not now.

So finally… got back home three days late. And can I say not only do I love my plastic surgeon, Dr. Rad at Johns Hopkins, but I also love my plastic surgeon back home, Dr. Nave, who helped handle all of my follow-up care. Which brings me to the joys of drain tubes… my drain tubes were with me so long I ended up giving them a name, they were my “Bulb Babies”… 25 DAYS! 25 FUCKING DAYS! (Umm if you are reading this and considering surgery - seriously don’t freak out cuz that is pretty abnormal for them to be in that long). Although my left drain never really got down to the levels needed for removal, it came out anyways because everything was getting sore and as my doctor said it was time before something went wrong. Life with drain tubes seemed like an eternity… but since I got them out, weeks seemed like months and healing went at warp speed then.

Then began the fills of my Chia Chestapets…. ChaChaCha-Chias! Just add saline and watch them grow! I have temporary saline tissue expander implants that they are using to prep my body by building the perfect boob pocket for my second surgery (DIEP Reconstruction). My first fill was 10 days after I got my drain tubes out and for the first time I was freaking out because my doctor had said that it could possibly be painful and that because the drain tubes had been in so long, that he wanted to do a double fill to take advantage that my skin was still pliable and soft before that started to dissipate. I’m pretty fortunate, my implants are only under the skin, so filling was not that bad. My first fill was 120cc, second fill 10 days later was 100cc, third and final fill 10 days later was 60cc. The first two major fills were ok… the last fill, which was the least amount and hurt like a bitch! But that was the first time the skin had really had to do any major stretching. So now I am back to my normal size, which in the end after the second surgery will be a bit smaller and I’m ok with that… I don’t need to keep these big D’s.

So I thought I was all done seeing the Doctor, but alas no! The day after my final fill, my left implant decided to take an adventure of its own and go out of place. Now I knew they could move around in there, but it is still scary when all of a sudden your boob is totally in the wrong place, especially when I also had a fluid pocket on the inside of my breast. So back to the Doctor’s office I went. By the time I got in a day later - thankfully it was starting to shift back. I was fearing the worse, but my doctor just shimmied my boob a bit til it went back into place. And taught me how to do it, incase it happened again. Big sigh of relief!

So now… I’m officially doctor free for a few months until July, just before my second surgery. And I am thankful for all my doctors because they have been amazingly supportive and really have just done some beautiful work.

BUT… I want to share some of the following things I have learned along the way about surviving thru a Mastectomy… in no particular order…

#1 Take a shower! But also have someone there to help you. The first show is the scariest, but it feels so wonderful.

#2 Love the person who is taking care of you - I am so fortunate to have my mother who helped me in every way possible, not just by being the person at my side, but also in that she has been-there-done-that with Mastectomies and understood a lot of what I was going thru.

#3 As soon as you can, start moving. ENDORPHINS! Although I was exhausted each time I walked the little hallway at the hotel, it did lift my spirits to be able to accomplish something other than lay in bed or sit in a chair.

#4 CRY! No matter how much you prep yourself and are secure that it is the right decision… nothing prepares you for the scares and the way your boobs look in the beginning. But also tell yourself - that your body is a work in progress and that things will get better.

#5 Sports Bras will become your bestest friend in the whole wide world. I recommend finding some with zippers or clasps in front… they are great and super easy to wash.

#6 Look at yourself in the mirror… don’t be afraid of the scar lines as they are more like battle marks for all that you are accomplishing. Don’t be afraid to touch the scars either - they are probably numb anyways - so you won’t feel much.

#7 Choose your doctor’s wisely. I am so thankful everyday when I am talking to other women who’s doctors are like two separate entities… MY DOCTORS WORK AS A TEAM! My surgical oncologist and my plastic surgeon consult each other and work together to give me the best outcome possible… and it is so nice to have everyone in agreement and on the same page.

#8 Before your surgery… do something crazy and fun. The “girls” need a send off party. Mine had a few, because they are so welled loved. A party at my house called “Tata To Titties” a few months before surgery and also a one-night stand with bull-riding, titty jiggling, and a lot of alcohol a week before the big day. I’ve used them to their fullest extent before I lost them!

#9 It is ok to be depressed after surgery… IT IS NORMAL! No matter how you plan it in your mind, there are going to be moments where you wish you could just go back to being your normal old self. But don’t get stuck in the well of loneliness… talk with other women, talk with your friends, talk to your family… don’t just keep your bad days to yourself - let the whole world know. And if you need it… get some counseling… this is some major stuff… like having your womanhood stolen away in a sense.

#10 GO ONLINE. For me the biggest thing has been TWITTER! I have become a tweet-aholic. But I have also found many women to talk with, who have had or have pending mastectomies. But also look at other websites, support groups, anything that keeps you communicating with other like-surgeried people who can make things a little easier. Because trust me, there will be some weird little questions that you don’t really want to ask your doctor or even just seeking little tips of simple advice with how to make post-mastectomy life easier, but you may feel more comfortable asking total strangers.

#11 Phantom Pains… so not a cool side effect. I have yet to discover a solution. Moments where you feel like you have the most painful THO (titty hard on), I’ve found nothing to help. Burning sensations. Tingling sensations. I have found nothing that really helps - but I do recommend staying away from the freezer section at the grocery store for a little while… LOL

#12 Give yourself time… I’ve been so antsy just wanting to do more and more and I get so pissed off at my body when it cannot keep up with me. My doctor’s have told me it can take 6 months before your “normal” energy levels return.

#13 (Incidentally my lucky number) NAP TIME! Totally like a little kindergartener… learn to love nap time because there is no other way you will make it thru the day. And rest as often as your body needs to… some days I still take two short naps a day to keep up with myself and sometimes nap time is three hours long :-) Listen to your body when it needs to rest otherwise it may delay your healing process.

AND FROM HERE ON OUT - I MAKE A VOW TO MYSELF TO START BLOGGING MORE FAITHFULLY!
3
Mar

Delinquent Blogger!

Hi, my name is Sarah and I haven’t blogged in a month… Yikes! There has been soo much going on in my post-mastectomy world… but… I do not feel like writing. And I refuse to force myself to blog thru the emotions, complications, and realities of this titty transitional time. But I have not forgotten my beautiful blog and am sure that when I resume soon that I will be writing some mini-novels playing catch-up. But in the mean time… I’d just prefer to think to myself a little.
5
20
Feb